Walking into marriage has felt a lot like walking onto the mission field. Suddenly life is different. I have different priorities, new responsibilities, and whether I want them to or not my relationships are changing. But marriage isn’t the only time of transition in this life. We all go through transitions from our earliest stages: from infancy to childhood, childhood to adolescence. We make the switch from going to school to holding a job. Life is literally made up of a flow of transitions. We may find ourselves in one stage longer than we were in others, but eventually, we will transition to the next stage to come.
Just as transition is an inevitable part of life, community is something that, though we certainly can avoid it, we shouldn’t. So how can we keep a community around us when we ourselves are ever-changing? It may seem an especially impossible task when we find ourselves in a new stage and realize that our friends from the previous one didn’t follow us. What happens next? Do we fight for those old friends to keep being a part of our lives? Do we look for a new community altogether? What if we never really felt a sense of community in our last life stage and we feel like we are starting from zero in every possible way? I am sure that you, like I, have learned that building a community is hard. And keeping it perhaps even harder. While I can’t speak to every circumstance my life has had its fair share of transitions. And I would like to share some basic principles that have helped me learn to build up community in whatever stage I am in. And in particular, I write this from a place of transition. From a place where my heart needs these reminders to be challenged to do the work and not begin this next phase of life alone. So as I type these words for you, I type them for myself. May our hearts take courage from them together. Here are a few principles I have found to be indispensable in fostering community:
Communication
Community and communication. Both words come from the Latin root ‘communis’ which means ‘common, public, shared by all or many.’ The etymology of the words reminds us that they are so similar because they both represent the concept of sharing something. We can’t have a community with people that we aren’t in communication with. Perhaps most of us are good at the basics of communication. Greeting someone with ‘Hey! How are you?’ when we see them at church, in the supermarket, or at the ball game. But how many of us are willing to listen and willing to speak when the response is more than just ‘I’m good. And how are you?’ In order to get past those opening and closing lines, we have to be willing to open up about deeper things in our lives. We may have to be the first to not answer with ‘I’m great!’ and take the scary risk of saying ‘I’m actually having a really hard time.’ Not everyone will continue the conversation. But some will. And those who will are usually those who are worth going deeper with. But often people won’t know that we are willing or in need of going deeper because we choose to go with the age-old answer of ‘I’m fine.’
One of the most common mistakes we can make is to be upset that no one is helping or supporting us when we haven’t even told people that we need help or support. So when you find someone who speaks to you not just out of politeness but with ears to listen, take the risk and be the one to reach out and say that you need their friendship right now. Don’t wait around for them to offer what they may assume you already have or aren’t interesting in obtaining. Make your needs known and watch for who is able and willing to help you meet them. And who trusts you enough to make their needs known as well.
Let Go of Bitterness or Expectations
If you are surprised by which relationships make it through the transition and which ones don’t, you are not alone. Upon seeing that a certain friendship didn’t follow us into this new season it can be easy to let cynicism or bitterness grow. We may feel betrayed, disappointed, or let down by who we thought would be there for us during our difficult times. It is important to know and remember that relationships, like seasons in life, will come and go. It is a normal part of life for friendships to ebb and flow, even some of the ones we thought would be with us forever. Let the ebb and flow happen and allow your heart to hurt for a time. Despite those difficult feelings, don’t let the hurt of a recent loss hamper your efforts at building new relationships. Know that it doesn’t have to be a betrayal or a sign of your value as a friend when a friendship fades. On the contrary, if we let it go with grace, we never know what may become of it further down the road, or if it may not come back to us again.
Be Present
One of the reasons friendships may naturally shift and change is that often we are closest to the people that we are literally in close proximity to. College was a time when I made many friends that I would consider to be of the lifelong category. But many of the friendships that I hoped would make it for decades fizzled out within the first 2-3 years of graduation. But something really interesting happened. A large portion of our friend group quite literally dispersed around the world. Those of us that moved to different countries are the ones who remain in contact most. But I think it is because we learned the necessity of being present where we are. We came to see that while our friendship endures, it doesn’t remain the same. When we do catch up we can go right into the deep stuff. Relationships, struggles, and joys. But we don’t have the expectation that we’ll get a text back the same day. Or that we’ll talk on the phone each week. There is grace for the response that comes several days later. We know that the other is being present where they are. And we’re okay with those moments of deep connection every now and then that come with knowing someone through the many stages of life. It is the perfect complement to a life lived in the present place we are in. But it can’t ever replace our need for a friend that we can go grab coffee with. Or one who can bring us soup when we are sick.
Perhaps you haven’t changed your geographical location. Changes in presence can look like: leaving your church, going to a different gym, starting a new hobby, or getting a job that shifts your schedule and thus your availability to meet up with others. It may also be going from singleness to marriage. From married life to motherhood. All of these things change the frequency with which we see a set group of people. And may also bring us into contact with others whom we had little or no presence with before. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, this doesn’t mean you must throw your old relationships out the door. But recognizing that they may naturally shift gives us the freedom to invest and rejoice in the new place we are in, and the new (or old) people that we find there. Don’t be afraid to be present where you are! It is the best thing you can do for yourself and often for others.
Hold on to the grace-fueled friendships
I described to you what my grace-fueled friendships look like. They are the ones that might just stay with you for more than a season. They are the friend who is okay with a text back days or weeks later. Who meets you with grace each time you reconnect. They understand the need to be present where you are but never forget the value of your friendship. They truly are one of life’s greatest treasures. And they make us look forward, even more, to the day when we will be present with them in the same place together. Their love is a reminder of the joy that is Heaven. In things eternal and longer-lasting than our circumstances here on this earth.
Be Open to Unlikely Friendships
Think back on some of your dearest friends that you’ve had over the course of your life. How many times was it the person we least expected to strike up a friendship with? I can honestly say that rarely have I ever laid eyes on someone who would become a dear friend and thought ‘Oh, I choose that one!’ At first glance, a person may seem incompatible with us. Or maybe we adore them but can’t imagine they could possibly feel the same about us. But don’t let the likelihood or the first impression limit your scope of possible friends. Things like age, stage of life, or hobbies don’t all have to be shared. In fact, sometimes what we most need is someone different from us to bring balance to our lives and build us up in areas of weakness or inexperience. If you are an introvert, take a chance on that extravert who talks to you every time you go to yoga class. If you are single, don’t assume the married woman you met at church is too busy to get coffee with you. Or that she is only interested in other married women as friends. If you are married and have children don’t be afraid to reach out to a single person and invite them for dinner. They are probably not going to judge you or think you aren’t cool enough to hang out with. Rather they will likely appreciate the invitation to form a part of a family meal as a change from eating alone.
In Conclusion
Walking into a new place, stage of life or other transition can feel scary, overwhelming, and downright lonely. But the surest way to make it through is to be aware of the changes that transition naturally brings. To prepare ourselves for losses, but to remain open to what we may gain. It is to remain honest, to continue working to communicate, to let go of what doesn’t want to be dragged into this new stage, and trust that it is only making room for us to fully welcome the present. It is leaving space for us to welcome in the now stranger who will one day be a friend. And it is looking on with appreciation for those who are able to graciously encourage us to do this thing well. While showing grace to those who don’t yet know how to make it through the ebb and flow of life with us.
May you know today that no matter how this moment of transition feels, it will one day pass. And as the tide of transition rolls away you will find yourself left with some wonderful ocean treasures. Both old ones that never really washed away and new ones that came in with the tide.
